50 Shades of Gray

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Well, to be Frank, iโd have to change my name
No text found
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
Sheโs a mathemachicken
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight. The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile. At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display. And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night. Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars. The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking. "Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh." "I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now." This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them. He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess." The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display. The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer. "It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
father: how are your grades son?
๐ท son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
My friend claims that he โaccidentallyโ glued himself to his autobiography, but I donโt believe it.
But thatโs his story, and heโs sticking to it.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duckโs chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, โIโm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.โ The distressed woman wailed, โAre you sure?โ โYes, I am sure. The duck is dead,โ replied Dr.Santa. โHow can you be so sure?โ she protested. โI mean you havenโt done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.โ The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duckโs owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, โIโm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.โ Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duckโs owner, still in shock, took the bill. โ$150!โ she cried, โ$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!โ The vet shrugged, โIโm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, itโs now $150.โ
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"

any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE

When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
My wife: Iโm leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you

“There are over 10,000 people using the internet every day.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn9h6UqFfnU
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
โYou know, one wouldโve been enough!โ
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.