50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful. When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?" He replied "Yes, I do". Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers…I uh…uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me. The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils. This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied. The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t". The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door." The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against. The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!" All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole. A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle. The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!! The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box! And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still. Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!" The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful." He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot. The wife: "What the he….hey….ooooo…mmm…oh…my…god…!!!!" She is shaking on the couch. The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!. She is too busy biting her lips to respond. Three hours pass. Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move. She panics. She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off! With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out. 12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently. Officer…oh…ahh…see…uh..my husband bought this….voodoo dick…for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh…….ahh…he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends…and I can't…get a hold..of him. The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face. He bursts out laughing. "Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
He’s a small arms dealer.
Unless you Count Dracula.
Because they're incells.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
I call it James.
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The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
At the dadabase.
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
…prove that you're second to nun.
No text found
I left my brownies in the oven too long
I think he's lost the plot…
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
But I can't see myself wearing it
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Hope it’s not terminal.
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Until I got kicked out of the library
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."