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A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes aparent.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.