…
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.