6192 degrees Fahrenheit
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
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I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt