6:30 is the best time on a clock.
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Because nothing gets under their skin.
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Because they’re good buoys
From a distance they looked like hares.
But the odds were against them
They checked our reviews. One star.
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Taken: Out Of Context.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
Because their "bi-winks".
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
you need to address that situation.
I know, it was a stretch.
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Fine. Suture self.
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
I have a father figure
But now I’m not so sure.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
Those damn moose limbs.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
The title says it all.