.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches…
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
