#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The captain was standing on the deck!
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
No text found
Ask them for their watergraph.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
It's big red flag
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
None of them work
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
That's a ray of hope!
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
I don’t even touch it
A plane bagel
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
Alien versus Redditor.
they'd eventually find me attractive.
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
But she figured out I was only after my money.
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
… for putting her hair in a bun.
But I never got the chants.
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Insert punchline here