70,000 fewer deaths if literally anyone else was President
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
https://ift.tt/35u2JYe
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
