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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]

When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."