78 Billion Prayers
A truly biting commentary (caption reads: December snowflakes)
I laughed and then cried
Levels of interpretation… (pharmacists are eccentric)
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
People putting sombreros on pigeons in Reno..
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
I got an ad for peak comedy
Very. Stable. Genius.
Hahaha FuNnY number
Asking the real questions
I know how it feels!!
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
It’s funny to cheat on your wife.
Saw this one on a Facebook meme group
This should be illegal
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
This Comic was in my local newspaper in the “This Weeks Humor” section
Now there are two of them
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Panda! You missed all the excitement!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
I know you’re here, Reddit devs
of course, obviously.
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
Oof. Kennedy burn.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Fridays be like…
Even God hates cell phones
Think I know what my next jersey will be
I’ve seen enough I’m satisfied
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
*Technical debt intensifies*
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
“It’s probably an obvious mistake, I’ll find it right away!”
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
I’m Going to Kill that Parrot
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says “Hey, lady!” The young woman warmly responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you’re ugly!” The young woman is shocked and says “that’s not very nice, leave me alone” and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says “Hey lady!” and the woman responds cautiously with “What Mr. Parrot?” And the parrot says “you’re really ugly!” The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her she’s ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or she’s going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that he’ll talk to the parrot and it’ll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, “Hey lady!” She responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you know!”
Adam understands. Be like Adam.
What’s the most insane thing a trump supporter has said to you?
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
It’s really such a strange phenomenon.
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
I missed Halloween by one day… still funny though
Equal and opposite reaction I guess
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam