.
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
A man visits the council to apply for a job
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”…
Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?…” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure…” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Why can’t snowmen have carrot cake?
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.