7k upvotes on r/memes
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
I had a friend whose hobby used to be rolling up and punting nun’s clothing.
He kicked the habit.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
Three men die and go to heaven
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.” Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.” Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: “ Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.” Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: “ Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: “Mikey, what’s up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!” Mike answers: “g-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.