8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.