8 million years!
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
What do you call a elephant dancing in a china shop?
Break dancing
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
What a coincidence
What a coincidence
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone