80 years old…
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa” The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?” The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.” The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry