I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
No text found
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Does February march?
No, but April may!
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s) Letter “I”: W: “ I is for….. iguana” S: “iguana…. iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.” He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"