:(
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I’m ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
A Donald Trump Joke
Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits. Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.