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I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton