…
Iโve read โ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing โ twice and I still havenโt got a clue what Iโm doing.
I guess itโs going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, โThey must be French, theyโre naked and theyโre eating fruit.โ The Englishman says, โClearly, theyโre English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.โ The Soviet replies, โNo, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and Iโm attractive to the opposite sex, thatโs why Iโm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, thatโs why Iโm the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone elseโs saved game
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, โNot only does my son have a stupid name, but heโs also a shit driverโ.
Whatโs the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. โNo way! No needles! I hate needles!โ the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. โI canโt do the gas thing โ the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!โ The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. โNo,โ the patient says, โI am fine with pills.โ The dentist then returns and says, โHere is a Viagra tablet.โ The patient says, โWow โ I didnโt know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!โ โIt doesnโt,โ said the dentist and continued: โBut it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.โ
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
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So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".