9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier
They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that gentlemen, is courage"
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
