911, I just witnessed a murder…
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
I
J
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"