911, I would like to report a case of double homicide.
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
Proud dad moment
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies