911, I would like to report a case of double homicide.
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
You have to do it bit by bit.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning. My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up. "Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!". So proud…
It was my new year's resolution.
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It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
Piece of cake.
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
It is my jingle bell rock.
He really gets a kick out of it.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Well, the flag is a big plus.
But it’s definitely up there.