92% of GOP voters consider this good governance
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess