:/
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways