Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
What do you call a dwarf from mexico?
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer