Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
i haven't looked back since
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
Then I saw the next two letters…
It's called 'Facebook'
I hate being a teacher.
Is it a noble gas?
They're way too kneady…
from all of US!
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
But I couldn't catch them all
It was a booby trap
Sorry, I can't tell you.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
He looks at his sasquatch.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Your probably dyslexic.
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”