99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
