99% of Opinion Pieces
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
So my name is William
And my soccer coach in 7th grade asks me: Do you they call you Will or Bill? Me: They call me both. Coach: Okay, Both, nice to meet you. I'm 42 years old, and that man's son still calls me "Both" to this day.
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
You can tell Monopoly is an old game…
…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.