A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.
Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"
The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
