A 6th grader nerd girl sent this to our class chat. It says: ,,Why did Facebook delete our profile picture again?” Im dying in pain. And shes not ven a boomer and she thinks its funny
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that Iām going for a jog, and then I donāt.
Itās my longest running joke of the year.
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because itās sitting in the middle of the AC
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, āIām gonna make your nipples hard.ā She says, āOh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.ā He says, āAnd then Iām gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.ā She says, āThatās it, Iām gonna tell my husband, and heās gonna kick your ass real good.ā She walks to her husband and says, āA guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.ā He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, āHe also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.ā Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, āAren't you gonna do anything?ā He says, āI aināt fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.ā
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
āYou know, one wouldāve been enough!ā
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering meāit was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her ālittleā sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnāt overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldnāt say a word. She said, āIām going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.ā I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, āWe are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnāt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.ā Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, āIām done with this shit.ā
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
What do you call a ginger kid whoās good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
Itāll be called āMany Cures and Manicuresā
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? Iām stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: āOverworked postmen.ā Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
Floppy Disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Whatās the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Donāt know, donāt care.
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!