A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools
stupid keyboard
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."