A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:
"Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says:
"Dear Sir:
We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"
Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads:
"Dear Sir:
You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Faye's Costumes"
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them