A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story: "Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice. When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life. In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him." The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life." "Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress… That kind of stuff."
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
I was thinking of a joke about Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but then it lost momentum.
But it still has potential.
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrรถdinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
Since itโs Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I donโt know anyone named Morrow.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing Iโve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
๐จโ๐ปHow To Pretend You Are An Awesome Developer ๐| funny (Sketch)
https://youtu.be/EA2URxZzcKc
TUTORIAL: โHow to Fall Down the Stairsโ
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall