A bit too late for confession, Arthur.
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!