A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?”
The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁