A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
