A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

What do you get when you wrap a kitten in a blanket?

A purrrrito

3 unwritten rules of life…

1. 2. 3.

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn't autocorrect

All together now.:. ‘wife = bad’

https://ift.tt/2ulaiEl

Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:

8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0

What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?

Ehh-gg salad.

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits” he says….

…."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now – what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…"

How inspirational

What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?

I could use a light snack.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

The most boring pastime ever.

Trump Presidency in a nutshell

https://ift.tt/2P9Sd3m

First one

https://ift.tt/3dx48CC

Not a better methapor for the current administration….

https://ift.tt/35GtNER

Won’t somebody think of the children?!

https://ift.tt/2ps1UQI

Flavored coffee bad

https://ift.tt/36tD6J0

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…

Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!

Science

https://ift.tt/370NU10

A furniture store keeps calling me…

All I wanted was one night stand.

Those damn entitled millenials with their “consent” and “boundaries”!

https://ift.tt/30J0UpI

What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

…you need to let that mango.

I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”

"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

When you order something online versus when it arrives

https://ift.tt/34N3qwc

🏃🏃🏃💨

https://ift.tt/2rjOGGq

To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair

You can hide but you can’t run

Most smartest

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

explanation if needed: machine is a reverse vending / bottle deposit return. Ruthe is a brilliant german cartoonist.

https://ift.tt/2MRmbrj

The Minotaur is really stubborn….

You can say he's bull-headed.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

America is so Fucked

https://ift.tt/2RtmgDQ

Better Late Than Never

https://ift.tt/37qQ3UD

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

Wow so savage 😎

A man decided to become a monk

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."