A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
How to make a baby
There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh …equipment? " "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted….. …
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living
And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
What did James Bondβs mom say as she was giving birth?
Iβve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. βWhat was the Father doing?β The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. βOh so he was drinking?β The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, βwhat was the Mother doing?β The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. βBitching?β The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. βWhat were the kids doing?β The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. βSo they were fighting?β The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, βWhat were you doing?β Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
We were smoking a joint in front of a guyβs store, and he came out and said, βExcuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.β
I said, βThanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.β
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
Iβll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
βSonβ… βhow far do you think I can kick this bucket?β
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighborβs wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighborβs wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker