A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
