A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
Due to the quarantine
Iβll only be telling inside jokes
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now Iβm two hours late and I donβt even like Jim Carey
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “Thatβs a nice ham youβve got there.”
"Itβd be a shame if someone put an βsβ at the front and an βeβ at the end."
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, βI can make the boss give me the day off.β
The man asks, βAnd how would you do that?β The woman says, βJust wait and see.β She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, βWhat are you doing?β The woman replies, βIβm a light bulb.β The boss then says, βYouβve been working so much that youβve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.β The man starts to follow her and the boss says, βWhere are you going?β The man says, βIβm going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?β
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
How do you make somebody curious?
Iβll tell you tomorrow.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
What does a house wear?
Address
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.