A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Now it's your turn to speak.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Never fight a dinosaur,
You'll just get jurass-kicked.
