A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
During this outbreak, we must follow all directions from the Police
So don't stand so close to me
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
The head Nun….
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll