A book-shelf
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.