A boomer Facebook friend shared this
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."