A Boss for all seasons
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.