A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says:
"Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky."
"Sure" the pharmacist replies.
As he walks out he turns around and says:
"Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one"
"No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another.
He turns to walk out again and turns around:
"In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?"
He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house.
As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace.
As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down.
"Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious"
The boy, keeping his head down replied:
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Looking at it now, I see why.
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
I know because I kept a log
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
Like cops, DEA agents…
Clothes, but no cigar.
Holding cows together
To the dock.
I said "No it doesn't."
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
A rubbish truck
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
No text found
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
Well, well, well.
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
Between you and me, something smells.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile