A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way…
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Should English be the only official language of the EU?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now