A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."