A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I shouldn't have named two.
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
1. 2. 3.
Dinner is on me
We got a long well.
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
The thief made a clean getaway
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
some minority would probably mug me for it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…