A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.
"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.
"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.
"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.
"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says
"We didn't see anything, you liar"
"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
What do you call a spinning potato?
A ro-tator!
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.