A caption ruined pineapple pizza.
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, āIt's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.ā "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… āThis is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.ā "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but Iām sticking to my guns.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
So this might have been posted before but…
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom. She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week! The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his dateās dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit. A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day. The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. āWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!ā He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses. That night, he rode in the limo to his dateās house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit. They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night. About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Whatās a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
